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Because my opinions are better than yours

Posts tagged Kobe Bryant

The argument has finally been decided conclusively in Rick Reilly’s article published the other day, in which he asks a bunch of former players, coaches and others associated with the NBA who would win in a one-on-one game between Kobe and LeDouchebag:

Trainer Tim Grover (Attack Athletics in Chicago), who has trained Bryant, James and Michael Jordan:

Hard to say. Kobe could back LeBron down, too. He’s that strong. Don’t put me in this spot. I’m not picking.

How about Jordan versus either man?

Grover: Oh, Michael. No question. From a physical and mental standpoint, he’s the best I’ve ever seen. If he were playing now, with the way the refs call everything, and with all the padding these guys wear, he’d average 40 or 50 a night if he wanted.

So it’s settled.  Oh yeah, by the way, MJ would have scored 100 points in today’s NBA…says MJ.  Greatest person ever.

[Thanks Odge]


LBJgivesBJExactly…

There comes a time in every blog’s life where a post is so perfect that it truly transcends the existence of the blog. In fact, the post is so good, and its content so utterly spectacular, that it necessarily renders every subsequent blog post inferior for the rest of time. Well, my friends, the new Nike LeBron James – Kobe Bryant puppet commercial is out, and this post is officially that post.*

The below commercial, 33 second of pure, unadulterated bliss, is so good and shits on LeBron so hard that it took me a full three days (until I just saw it on TV about ten minutes ago) for me to even believe that it was a real Nike commercial and not just the product of some fellow computer-hacking-Lebron-hater/my hero out there in the blogosphere. The pacing, the cinematography and, more than anything, the outstanding puppeteering all come together in perfect harmony, brilliantly intertwining into what will almost certainly go down as the greatest (at least in my mind) commercial of all time the juxtaposition of the shit-eating grin on Kobe’s face against LeBron’s metaphorical “eating [of] shit” at the breakfast table. Although it seems as though not everybody agrees with me (e.g. Awful Announcing), this is my blog.
So, finally, and without further adieu, I present to you the latest, the greatest and, unfortunately (after Nike made the marketing move of the century by continuing the commercials despite LeBron sadly losing the Eastern Conference Finals single-handedly), the final LeBron James-Kobe Bryant Nike puppet commercial:

Although none of the other puppet commercials even hold a candle to the genius of this one, feel free to watch all of the MVPuppet commercials here on Nike’s website.

UPDATE (6/19): After perusing the Nike basketball site, it turns out that there is, indeed, another “MVPuppets” commercial, this one presumably being the final one for the season. It’s called “LeBron 2010″ and shows LeBitch “preparing” for the 2010 season. Since it still shines a losing light on LeBron, I’ll allow a link to it, albeit a small one, right….here.

*While this is, indeed, the truth, and I can almost guarantee that every subsequent post from this one on out will necessarily be inferior to this one, there is one significant fact that one must keep in mind: not enough people read this blog for it to really matter. So, from hereon forth, despite the magnitude of the above posting, nothing about Blogbdon will change whatsoever, as I promise to continue to provide you with the same marginally useful information and mediocre literary ability.

Ok, this shit is funny as hell:*  

* Obviously, Kobe had nothing to do with this, and by no means am I endorsing him as some sort of funny-guy with any modicum of a personality.  He just has some brilliant cast of Nike writers behind him that make him look somewhat funny if you try hard to laugh, whereas if MJ was in the same position he would have written the commercial HIMSELF and it would have blown this one out of the water…

As if this comparison needed any more analysis to show that Michael Jordan is a far superior basketball player than Kobe Bryant ever will be, a friend of mine directed me to a fantastic website pointing out just how lopsided the comparison truly is. Here are a few choice statistical tidbits:

If Kobe were to play another ten seasons of 80 games apiece (for 800 games total), he would have to average over 35.5 points per game for the rest of his career to match Jordan’s career scoring average. He hasn’t even had one season that high.

Kobe could make 1500 consecutive shots, and he still wouldn’t be above Jordan in shooting efficiency.

In order to match Jordan’s assists numbers by the time he’s played as long as Jordan did, Kobe needs to average 7.2 assists per game. Kobe has never even done this for a week.

Games with:

Jordan Bryant

15 20+ shots made while shooting over 60% 3

77 15+ shots made while shooting over 60% 18

174 15+ shots made while shooting over 50% 46

16 50+ points while shooting over 60% 5

1 50+ points while shooting under 50% 6

0 50+ points while shooting under 45% 3

70 40+ points while shooting over 60% 17

27 40+ points while shooting under 50% 42

13 40+ points while shooting under 45% 19

2 40+ points while shooting under 40% 7

3 50+ points on less than 10 free throw attempts 0

47 40+ points on less than 10 free throw attempts 17

156 40+ points on less than five 3 point attempts 28

15 50+ points with 5+ assists 4

96 40+ points with 5+ assists 31

 9 40+ points with 10+ assists 2

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