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Because my opinions are better than yours

Posts tagged cursing

Fat Steak Bitch

I have no idea why I think things like this are funny, but I do.  And the problem is that whether you think it’s funny or not, you’re screwed, because you’re so bored right now that you’ve ended up at brandonblattner.com, the self-appointed “Dorians of the Internet:” you’re here because you have nowhere else to go, and even though you don’t quite want to go back to work just yet, it’s starting to look a little more appealing the more you look around.  Well, guess what? I think the fucking steak article is funny.  And guess what else? I happen to like Dorians.  A lot.

The problem here is clearly you, and no one else, and my guess is that it will probably do you some good to expand your literary horizons; so read up, bitch:

“How to Cook a Fucking Steak”

Go to the goddamn grocery and get steak. Yes, the grocery. A little ammonia is not going to kill you, you pussy. You want to be all fancy and grass-fed and environmentally conscious, go ahead, I don’t give a shit, just get a fucking steak. Ribeye is good. And, yes, bone-in. Schmuck. Take the steak home. Get a bigass frying pan and put the shit on the stove, cranking the heat up as far as that fucker will go. Take a shitload of salt—rocksalt, you dumb motherfucker, none of that fine-grained crap here—and toss it around the bottom of the pan. When the pan is hot as all fuck—it should scorch the shit out of your finger if you’re stupid enough to touch it—put the fucking steak on there. You can crack some pepper on the top of the steak as the bottom is searing, but don’t even talk to me about garlic or onion powder or COMPOUND FUCKING BUTTER, asshole. This is steak, all you fucking need is salt and pepper. After a bit (3 minutes for pink, 5 for cooked good), flip that shit over and do the same fucking thing you just did with the other side, i.e. sit on your ass and wait for your motherfucking steak to be ready, you useless assbag. When you’re done, sling that shit on a plate. Beringer’s 1996 Cabernet Sauvignon Napa Valley Private Reserve makes an absolutely delightful accompaniment, particularly if you’ve taken care to let it breathe a bit before quaffing. Also, make some fucking potatoes, because that’s what you eat with a fucking steak. God, sometimes I just want to smack the shit out of you.

[via The Awl]

Tarantino with Gun

“So, are you ready to see some Basterds?” [Mild applause]

“I said, are you ready to ready to see some Basterds fuck up some Nazis?” [Louder applause]

“Yeah, motherfucker!” [throws microphone on the floor]

Just pretty freaking badass.

BONUS: From another article on Vulture, here are Tarantino’s 20 favorite movies of the past seventeen years (in alphabetical order, no less) (or watch the video here):

Reservoir Dogs

Anything Else (2003)
Audition (1999)
Battle Royale (2000)
The Blade (1995)
Boogie Nights (1997)
Dazed and Confused (1993)
Dogville (2003)
Fight Club (1999)
Friday (1995)
The Host (2006)
The Insider (1999)
Joint Security Area (2000)
Lost in Translation (2003)
The Matrix (1999)
Memories of Murder (2003)
Shaun of the Dead (2004)
Speed (1994)
Supercop (1992)
Team America: World Police (2004)
Unbreakable (2000)

[via Vulture & Hollywood Elsewhere & Movieline]

Chase Four Letters Shirt

(you can order the above shirt here, courtesy of the consistently-awesome The700Level)

An explanation courtesy of the fantastic The700Level piece: Chase’s Four Letter Fall Out:

Upon viewing Chase being introduced live at Yankee stadium, I was rather shocked to hear my favorite baseball player get booed. You don’t boo Chase Utley. It wasn’t until people commenting on this site pointed it out to us that we realized Chase Utley dropped an F-bomb in reaction to the boos. “Boo? F*ck you,” Chase quipped to fellow second basemen Dan Uggla as the cameras rolled and caught every syllable.

More importantly, here is the awesome video:

 

If you couldn’t make out said curse words in the above clip, you won’t miss them in this lower-quality youtube version.

The question now is, of course, has the reputation of one of the most well-respected players in the big leagues, universally lauded for his reserved, business-like approach to anything and everything baseball been forever tarnished?  

The answer to this question is simple: no.  Although when one is already one of the single greatest human beings of all time, it seems as though there is only one direction to go…but not for Chase.  I didn’t think it could happen, but I now love him even more.  Aside from the idiodic reactions of lame-ass Mets fans, the blogosphere seems to reflect my take on the situation (see, e.g. Chase Utley: An American hero).

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