I have no idea why I think things like this are funny, but I do. And the problem is that whether you think it’s funny or not, you’re screwed, because you’re so bored right now that you’ve ended up at brandonblattner.com, the self-appointed “Dorians of the Internet:” you’re here because you have nowhere else to go, and even though you don’t quite want to go back to work just yet, it’s starting to look a little more appealing the more you look around. Well, guess what? I think the fucking steak article is funny. And guess what else? I happen to like Dorians. A lot.
The problem here is clearly you, and no one else, and my guess is that it will probably do you some good to expand your literary horizons; so read up, bitch:
“How to Cook a Fucking Steak”
Go to the goddamn grocery and get steak. Yes, the grocery. A little ammonia is not going to kill you, you pussy. You want to be all fancy and grass-fed and environmentally conscious, go ahead, I don’t give a shit, just get a fucking steak. Ribeye is good. And, yes, bone-in. Schmuck. Take the steak home. Get a bigass frying pan and put the shit on the stove, cranking the heat up as far as that fucker will go. Take a shitload of salt—rocksalt, you dumb motherfucker, none of that fine-grained crap here—and toss it around the bottom of the pan. When the pan is hot as all fuck—it should scorch the shit out of your finger if you’re stupid enough to touch it—put the fucking steak on there. You can crack some pepper on the top of the steak as the bottom is searing, but don’t even talk to me about garlic or onion powder or COMPOUND FUCKING BUTTER, asshole. This is steak, all you fucking need is salt and pepper. After a bit (3 minutes for pink, 5 for cooked good), flip that shit over and do the same fucking thing you just did with the other side, i.e. sit on your ass and wait for your motherfucking steak to be ready, you useless assbag. When you’re done, sling that shit on a plate. Beringer’s 1996 Cabernet Sauvignon Napa Valley Private Reserve makes an absolutely delightful accompaniment, particularly if you’ve taken care to let it breathe a bit before quaffing. Also, make some fucking potatoes, because that’s what you eat with a fucking steak. God, sometimes I just want to smack the shit out of you.
[via The Awl]
Tags: beef, butter, cursing, finger, genius, how to cook a fucking steak, meat, steak, vegans, when i laugh you laugh bitch, writing
