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Because my opinions are better than yours

Archive for November, 2009

Fat Steak Bitch

I have no idea why I think things like this are funny, but I do.  And the problem is that whether you think it’s funny or not, you’re screwed, because you’re so bored right now that you’ve ended up at brandonblattner.com, the self-appointed “Dorians of the Internet:” you’re here because you have nowhere else to go, and even though you don’t quite want to go back to work just yet, it’s starting to look a little more appealing the more you look around.  Well, guess what? I think the fucking steak article is funny.  And guess what else? I happen to like Dorians.  A lot.

The problem here is clearly you, and no one else, and my guess is that it will probably do you some good to expand your literary horizons; so read up, bitch:

“How to Cook a Fucking Steak”

Go to the goddamn grocery and get steak. Yes, the grocery. A little ammonia is not going to kill you, you pussy. You want to be all fancy and grass-fed and environmentally conscious, go ahead, I don’t give a shit, just get a fucking steak. Ribeye is good. And, yes, bone-in. Schmuck. Take the steak home. Get a bigass frying pan and put the shit on the stove, cranking the heat up as far as that fucker will go. Take a shitload of salt—rocksalt, you dumb motherfucker, none of that fine-grained crap here—and toss it around the bottom of the pan. When the pan is hot as all fuck—it should scorch the shit out of your finger if you’re stupid enough to touch it—put the fucking steak on there. You can crack some pepper on the top of the steak as the bottom is searing, but don’t even talk to me about garlic or onion powder or COMPOUND FUCKING BUTTER, asshole. This is steak, all you fucking need is salt and pepper. After a bit (3 minutes for pink, 5 for cooked good), flip that shit over and do the same fucking thing you just did with the other side, i.e. sit on your ass and wait for your motherfucking steak to be ready, you useless assbag. When you’re done, sling that shit on a plate. Beringer’s 1996 Cabernet Sauvignon Napa Valley Private Reserve makes an absolutely delightful accompaniment, particularly if you’ve taken care to let it breathe a bit before quaffing. Also, make some fucking potatoes, because that’s what you eat with a fucking steak. God, sometimes I just want to smack the shit out of you.

[via The Awl]

Just brilliant writing, and this is just an excerpt:

“I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait to get my hands on some fucking gourds and arrange them in a horn-shaped basket on my dining room table. That shit is going to look so seasonal. I’m about to head up to the attic right now to find that wicker fucker, dust it off, and jam it with an insanely ornate assortment of shellacked vegetables. When my guests come over it’s gonna be like, BLAMMO! Check out my shellacked decorative vegetables, assholes. Guess what season it is—fucking fall. There’s a nip in the air and my house is full of mutant fucking squash.”

And that’s just the first paragraph. I’d love to just paste the rest of it here and say that I wrote it, but that would probably be plagarism or some shit. So, to read the rest you have to go here.

[via McSweenys]

Can you believe that such free/hilarious speech as depicted below, considered completely appropriate when published 70 years ago, would be considered “inappropriate” in today’s society?! Where have our rights as Americans gone?

Guy Blowing Girl

Oh yeah, well I guess it’s kinda sexist.  But it’s still hilarious isn’t it?!

For more sexist vintage advertisements, hit up here and here.

[via oobject & The Stupid Net]

I’ll let this guy talk because the Gizmodo writers are better than me, but this shit is crazy:

There’s not much to say about these images of the Hoover Dam Bypass except expletives mixed with a dozen shades of amazement. It’s not the longest or the tallest or the biggest or the complexest, and still, it’s stunning:

Big Pic of Dam
Another of Dam
More Dam

Learn more about my newfound discovery and see much better pictures than mine at Gizmodo.

Just take a cue from Toyota and start making cool shit like this, and I promise the whole U.S. automotive market will turn around…or something.

Quickly moving on from stuff that I know nothing about (e.g. current events, the recession, etc.), the Midnight Rider Tundra Tailgater (pictured below) was developed through Toyota’s partnership with Brooks & Dunn. Now, this truck is a tight ass truck. Brooks & Dunn, on the other hand, are…well, I have no freaking idea what/who they are, aside from a country music duo whose “involvement” in the design of this vehicle was probably equivalent to Eminem and Jay-Z’s “involvement” in the just-released DJ Hero (i.e. lend name to project, do nothing & reap benefits, namely in the form of cash money). Or maybe they’re awesome, hand-built every single one of these trucks and financed the entire operation; I have no idea though because, well, I don’t give a fuck about Brooks & Funn. I DO give a fuck about this truck, however, and officially want one (hint, hint - Chanukah is coming up friends…), so peep it here and the specs below:

Tundra Tailgater (as always, click the picture for a not-much-closer look)

The Ultimate Tailgating Experience® occurs when you slide out the tailgate, exposing a Grill N Chill® cooking area from Go! Products.  The pull-out Grill N Chill features a cooking space with countertops, infrared barbeque, beverage tap and ice chest.  An electronically operated tonneau cover enhances your tailgate party with a bed-installed 42-inch flat screen TV and sound system by Kicker.  The sound system features a dual subwoofer system and a separate amp, four two-way speakers with tweeters and separate crossovers, and dual two-channel amps with separate equalizers and speaker control units.

[via Toyota and Like Cool]