Via The Onion:
The Office of the Plastic Surgeon General—headed by a presidential appointee tasked with monitoring the national aesthetic, alerting the public to any small flaws, and offering a wide range of affordable, noninvasive laser resurfacing options—first addressed the countrywide plague of undersized breasts in the mid-1980s by demanding that manufacturers of A- through C-cup bras place large warning labels on their products informing female consumers of the potential risk of having deficient bosoms. Since taking the position in 2001, Dr. Saddler has continued these education efforts, launching several ad campaigns and personally reaching out to women all across the nation. “The undersized breasts problem in the United States has reached crisis level,” Saddler said during a press conference held at the National Centers for Rhinoplasty and Microdermabrasion. “Unless they receive immediate cosmetic treatment, millions of women in this country will lose the attention of their male acquaintances completely, and some may never be able to land husbands or, if they are somehow already married, keep their husbands’ interest.”
And one can never forget the all-important self-test:
Tags: boobies, breasts, Funny, the onionA woman who suspects that she may have this condition can verify it with an extremely quick, normally painless test,” said Saddler, later adding that symptoms such as a fluid, natural movement of the bosom or any breast shape other than a perfectly round, rock-hard grapefruit should also serve as definitive warning signs. “It’s as simple as consulting a trained professional such as a strip-club bouncer or licensed drywaller to assess your personal risk.”
