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Because my opinions are better than yours

Archive for June, 2008

Summer\'s Eve Douche

I will admit that I, probably not unlike yourself right now, was a bit skeptical when I first encountered a blog claiming to have uncovered the douchiest phone message in history.  But now, having now listened to it myself, I can assure you that this is just that: the absolute douchiest message in the history of this here universe. It is also one of the most quotable, altogether funny things I have seen in a long time.
You can listen to the message below (ignore the lame slideshow that someone made to put it on youtube), immediately after a short synopsis from the site on which I found it:

In all my years of studying douchebaggery, never have i encountered anything like this. It’s such pure and unadulterated douche that I wish I could bottle it and use just a drop of it at a time.

The back story on this is that a girl named Olga was out with her friends in the Marina district of San Francisco (known for being a popular hang out for douches), and she talked to this guy named Dmitri for all of two minutes. Then she gave him her card and said “give me a call.” The above is the messages he left. Listen to the whole thing, it just keeps getting better and better. I won’t even tell you my favorite parts because i don’t want to ruin anything. Just listen.

UPDATE: Well, it didn’t take very long for Dimitri (his name….obviously) to become an internet sensation; he has already been named #1 on Gawker’s 5 Scariest Seducers list and, more importantly, has HIS OWN FREAKING WEBSITE called Dimitri the Lover!

\"Yes We Can Tit\"

Boobs for Barack: “Show Your Boobs, Show Your Support!”

In honor of the man who is going to turn this country around and change the way the US does business, we bring you one of our favorite things: Boobs!
                      Ladies, show your support for Barack Obama by uploading a picture of your wonderful bossoms! Big or small, black, white, brown or red, real or scientifically modified, they are part of you and we want to see them!
                      Write a message on your mammories, wear a bra, bathing suit, or go totally bare, if you support Barack, then show IT by showing THEM!

Well, I’ve officially decided who’s getting my vote……I guess all I need to do now is figure out what her name is.

George Carlin

From Jerry Seinfeld’s New York Times Op-Ed on George Carlin published on Tuesday, two days after Carlin’s unfortunate death:

His performing voice, even laced with profanity, always sounded as if he were trying to amuse a child. It was like the naughtiest, most fun grown-up you ever met was reading you a bedtime story.

The Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television

shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits

A classic video of Carlin performing this bit, which will probably go down, at least in the case of my generation, as his most famous:

* * *

Carlin’s Stance on Religion

If God had intended us not to masturbate he would’ve made our arms shorter.

This just in from sportspickle:

A week after rocking the NBA with charges that the 2002 and 2005 playoffs were rigged, former league referee Tim Donaghy hit basketball fans with another gut shot today by charging that beloved 1986 basketball movie “Hoosiers” was also scripted.
“Everyone from Gene Hackman to David Stern might try to deny it,” said Donagy, “but I know the truth. I saw a copy of the script a few years go. A street vendor was selling it in Manhattan.”
While Donaghy alleges that NBA referees merely influenced those playoff series in 2002 and 2005 with biased officiating, “Hoosiers,” he maintains, was scripted right down the last detail.
Those underhanded free throws that Ollie sinks?” he said. “All pre-arranged. In fact, they shot that scene eight times until he made them both. Running the picket fence? Get this – the defense knew it was coming because they had a copy of the script, yet they still let it get run on them. Unbelievable, but true.”

(Sorry for having to copy and paste the entire article, but there was no link available for me to link to (not sure if that’s proper grammar either)).

A Remarkable Photo From Tornado Country

What a picture.

When the weather turned violent and stormy on Tuesday evening, Lori Mehmen, who lives in the small farming town of Orchard in northeastern Iowa, looked out her front door and saw a funnel cloud bearing down — and evidently had the presence of mind to grab her digital camera and capture this shot before taking cover. The local paper, The Mitchell County Press-News, posted the photo on Wednesday and The Associated Press picked it up today.

[from the NY Times]

Sunset on Mars

 

On May 19, 2005, NASA’s Mars Exploration Rover Spirit captured this stunning view as the Sun sank below the rim of Gusev crater on Mars. This Panoramic Camera mosaic was taken around 6:07 in the evening of the rover’s 489th Martian day, or sol.

Sunset and twilight images are occasionally acquired by the science team to determine how high into the atmosphere the Martian dust extends, and to look for dust or ice clouds. Other images have shown that the twilight glow remains visible, but increasingly fainter, for up to two hours before sunrise or after sunset. The long Martian twilight (compared to Earth’s) is caused by sunlight scattered around to the night side of the planet by abundant high altitude dust. Similar long twilights or extra-colorful sunrises and sunsets sometimes occur on Earth when tiny dust grains that are erupted from powerful volcanoes scatter light high in the atmosphere.

[from NASA’s Official Images from the Phoenix Mars Lander]

BEFORE:


AFTER:

Baby Sans Penis-Back

          If you’re confused right now, that’s ok; having spent the past 15 minutes gloating over how clever the title to this post is (especially when Perez Hilton’s attempt at a “clever” title to the same story was “Baby Got (Penis) Back“…..WEAK), common sense dictates that I should probably go ahead and explain what these pictures of babies with and without penises on their backs are all about.  But allow me to ask you this, fair reader: does it really matter with a post title as awesome as this one?

       However, since I can’t really afford to lose any readers to a post that ends with a poor attempt at humor and an annoying rhetorical question, here’s the requisite penis-on-baby’s-back explanation:

        Born in China with a rare disease called fetus in fetu, this youngster came equipped with a second penis on his back (see “BEFORE” picture above).  After three hours of surgery doctors say the baby will be just fine, having successfully reduced the number of penises on his back to zero (see “AFTER” picture above).  Still no word, however, on whether the baby actually wants his “penis-back, penis-back, penis-back,” or if it was just another stroke of genius by Blogbdon.

Final Scene of Sopranos

 

In the event that you are still having fits over what really happened in the final scene of “The Sopranos,” the conclusion of which left Tony’s fate hanging in the air with the now-famous “Don’t Stop Believing” cut-to-black (click here to refresh your memory), you probably want to check out the self-proclaimed definitive guide to “The End.”

“If you look at the final episode really carefully, it’s all there.” These are David Chase’s words regarding the finale of the Sopranos. He is right, it is “all there”. This is the definitive explanation of why Tony died in Holsten’s in the final scene of The Sopranos. The following is based on a thorough analysis of the final season of the show and will clear up one of the most misunderstood endings in film or television history. Chase took almost 2 years to construct the final season of the show after the fifth season ended in June of 2004.

I’m not going to quote any more of the guide, mostly because it was way too long for me and my attention deficit disorder to read but also because spoiling David Chase’s intricately-designed conclusion would be directly contrary to the director’s purpose in orchestrating the fascinating ambiguity of the show’s final breath.

 

 

 

P.S. TONY WAS SHOT IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD BY THE GUY IN THE BLACK JACKET!!!